How are you?

by Jamie Tan Used with permission
The author is a script editor at Odex Pte Ltd, for Japanese animes which include the popular D.Gray-man series, currently aired on Animania at 11pm on Fridays, MediaCorp TV12 Arts Central.

I wonder if I'm the only one who occasionally finds this question mind-boggling. Then again, it's not always a question because not everyone is looking for an answer.

When one happens to bump into a colleague from another floor, imagine how the ten-second conversation in the lift would turn out if it went like this: "How are you?" "Oh, like crap. My wife wants to leave me again and I spent last night thinking if I should jump off the roof." Obviously not, right? The "correct" answer would be "I'm good, fine. How are you?" to which the person responds in kind before the elevator dings and it's till-the-next-lift-encounter. Hence the impersonal 'How are you.'

But it's a conversation starter, is the explanation I get when I whine to friends about this 'How-are-you business' and how uncreative and impersonal it all is. What do you mean, how am I? As in how am I... Physically? Emotionally? Romantically? What do you really want to know? About my career? Too boring, maybe. My love life? The latter is usually the final destination that most aren't brave enough to start with. Then it's up to the individual to volunteer information and that's the mind boggling part. What to reveal? What not to reveal? And when to throw back the question so it doesn't look like a deflector?

Sometimes, 'How are you' doesn't turn out to be very conversational. Worse still, it's a conversation-filler, a way to fill in the awkward pause, a way to pass the hot potato so that one doesn't have to volunteer information be it general or personal. "How are you?" (chirpy) "Oh, good! Thanks! And how are you?" (just as chirpy) "I'm good! hee hee" "...." hee hee. You get the idea. Booooring. I dare both of you to stare blankly into silence for an uncomfortably long period of five seconds. See if it doesn't help to break the ice more effectively.

As we know (or we think we do), a conversation is a two-way exchange. You can't keep volunteering information while the other person just listens, occasionally comments and nods most of the time. Of course, some people could talk about themselves the whole day but never mind those for now.

On the flip side, 'How are you?' could be a genuine personal enquiry where warmth, sincerity and yes, the knowledge that one really does care can be conveyed in just those few words. This is usually between close friends who keep up with each other and as I've heard, between husband and wife. In such cases, the one being asked would respond readily and almost gratefully as compared to a situation where one has yet to warm-up after not seeing so-and-so for months or years and the question feels confusing, almost invasive and hey, it kills the mood!

Watch out for the half-smile and "Oh, alright. I'm fine. How are you?" response and you can be sure you have just broken 'How are you' Rule No.1.

In certain cultures, so I'm told, it's considered impolite to jump into specifics too quickly. People would chat about the weather (sound familiar, England?) and other mundane stuff one normally ignores till they're properly warmed up. Personally, I'm fine with that sort of thing. I once had a ten-minute conversation with a stranger, a Japanese lady, while waiting in line at the airport where the customs officer was taking more than the allocated time to stamp our passports so a lot of us feared we'd miss our flights. (I ran for mine by the way) So we griped about the situation and how the guy was probably new, nervous, thick etc. If you ask me, that was by far more fun than having to conjure up a 'How am I'. Trivial as the subject was, at least there was focus. And guess what? You're directly conveying how you are at that point of time!

Alright, I know. Why the need to be so cynical over a simple 'How are you?' Maybe I'm just bad at starting conversations in general. But trying to see a bigger picture, guess it amuses me how the latter can get people's defenses up more than down. In today's culture of globalisation and breaking down of communication barriers with the use of the Internet and where 'Blackberry' doesn't refer to the fruit, it's ironic how people deal with what might be a lack of personal space by compromising on relationship quality.

Take catching up with friends, for instance. In one's twenties and building a career in modern society, think of what friends talk about when they see each other. "What's the latest" to "Who are you dating" and yes, the infamous "How are you"? But even my closest friends aren't interested in what I had for breakfast. Picture a rural country town where everyone knows about everyone else's lives. Are we moving too fast that we haven't got time to catch our breaths, or even enjoy the act of breathing?

Having said that, I'm by no means against the phrase 'How are you?' and no way am I against social interaction, especially when it's purposeful, intelligent and sincere. Some help from the cortex wouldn't hurt, is all I'm suggesting. Also, quantity doesn't always equal to quality. And it all depends on the individual, doesn't it? And like the old saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. So, how about that now?